Five Years and Counting

It was 10 years ago this year that I first walked into the methadone clinic.

It was five years ago this month that I joined my first step study.

It was five years ago this week that I took my last dose of methadone.

I remember the day I said goodbye to my dependency on methadone to live. It wasn't a choice that I could make and then walk away from. It wasn't a one time decision, it was a choice that I had to make again and again and again, every minute longer that I went staring at the bottle of methadone in front of me. Every hour that passed, I would open the bottle and smell the drug and every time I had to close the lid and say Jesus, “I choose You.” As thoughts entered my mind later in the day, screaming, “You can't do this!!!” I screamed back, “No! Jesus I choose you!” Every Saturday I showed up to step study and shared all my vulnerabilities, all my wrong doing, all my struggles, in each moment I chose Jesus.

I was driving early one morning last week and I remembered all the drives to Indiana at the break of dawn just to stand in line for hours to get my dose. I remembered how somewhere along the way my music changed from hardcore rap and rock n roll to Christian rap and worship music. I remembered how my time spent waiting for the doors to open every morning went from sleeping to reading the Bible. I don't miss the clinic, but I do sometimes miss the time I had with God during that season.

I can easily find myself caught up in the busyness of family, work, sports, and church that I honestly forget to spend time with the Lord. You can say, “Oh, that's never happened to me" but we all know we can get caught in this trap. It's not hard. It just take a few heavy seasons of overload to find yourself fully removed from the disciplines of sharing life with Jesus. He doesn't go anywhere, we just forget about Him.

It's in our time of brokenness that we find a way to become completely dependent on Him– To rely on Him for every waking moment, every breath taken, every step taken.

It's been a long journey and the road has been hard. I've had my ups and my downs, I've had moments of weakness and times of complete and utter sorrow, but through it all, the Lord has been there. He knew my journey, He felt my pain, He heard my cry, and He captured every tear shed.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.”
Psalm 40:1-3 NIV